Do you bite the hand that feeds you - do you fall upon your knees.
That is the thing and the reason why this dialogue inside of me still keeps on going. When I started YouTubing in 2016 I mean - I was fine. Cute little girl - nothing wrong there. A little different - but who cares. She knows stuff.
Well - in truth I was just post my overdose in 2015. I was hardly coherent. I was just holding myself up - hardly. No friends no family. And then yes also - considering that I’ve spent a good almost 13 years at night clubs as a dancer. At the time I was working at “Kittens” - the harshest club in the country - the most dangerous club in the country.
They had a couple of shoot outs just outside the door during the time when I started channelling online. The second branch of the club was set on fire by an opposing gang.
So that was kind of crazy. When people saw my sweet little face in early YouTube they really - thought I was a lovely little lass - probably from the lower upper class. With Irish ancestry or something like that. This was too - my club game - and something that I just allowed to develop - as people did like to judge the shell back then a lot be it at a night club or an astrolgoy club.
It was 2016 - enough said.
But it really put me into some great constraints. I mean by the time I was “modeling” astrology to everyone else I kind of got there. Ah - people like me - because of my purity an my kindness. And my care. What if they missed something there.
So I reached in and started touching stronger and more vulnerable topics.
Inevitably becoming just - a weirdo or a freak. As I couldn’t put up the “Irish lass” act any longer. But it sold - and got views. In both environments - as they did overlap in my early Youtube days.
And yes ofcourse it was hard for the alga-rhythms as I moved around a lot - going from place to place not changing my physical location or doing anything different on YouTube. Sometimes the views grew. Sometimes they subsided. Sometimes they just stopped.
I guess it wasn’t right for me. The market place. People pecking each other on every corner. Disgruntal views. Lovely old ladies thinking I was a 16 year old child. When I was a 31 year old veteran dancer - from the worst club in the country.
It actually didn’t matter to me. And somehow I just got - OK'd in that world. I didn’t ask for anything. I never chased people up for sessions. I never asked. Just like when I was a dancer I would never ask. I just waited. My inner progress developed and grew me a lot and so did my charisma and charm change through the years and yeah - I have to say that watching my new videos today - in 2024 I do find some of them - kind of breathtaking myself. But back then - it was a chore. It was hard.
They are no longer boring or that long winded these days. They are just - full. Full of karma maybe.
Because I don’t believe I should have been on YouTube for that long.
It’s like something that transpired. And then the question is - how do you keep afloat as a psychic.
And that’s the thing that maybe I should talk to you about. I just got really good at it. And I had people coming back on repeat. And repeat. And repeat. Even to myself not knowing what it was I have done. I understood them - and remembered them deeply - and we made a very deep connect kind of like a friendship - or kind of like a home within oneself. And the videos or the audios still float around maybe where that happened with my audience too.
But I am brave enough now to say that yes - I suppose I have created a life that eventually became subterranean. Maybe in some way I really wanted to be - the girl that came up on top or that wild card but some part of me really actually needed to be home. Whole. Underneath the ground not seen or touched - by anything or anyone.
And sure the YouTube channel goes on as did my Patreon eventually - but this is heavy lifting for me as a person. Privacy has always been the better part of the space. For this reason I favour doing just Audio recordings sometimes.
It is kind of like dancing in a club. You go out there - you bare all - you show em…though then the private bookings are the part that actually gets you those dreams answered. And sure there were girls that were all personality and they would just throttle through people during their stage spot - pulling as much money as they could. And then there was me. i don't know. And yes - even at that job people would say - if you just put it on a bit. If you just - strengthen your grip on it. If you just - ask. If you just pull. But you know -
I have to say the reason why I lasted as a dancer for such a long time is obvious. I didn't push anyone else. I didn't ask anyone to pay me or pay attention to me. I just didn't....know how to cope so i just kind of zonked myself out and made sure that i was not - too abrupt or present. I just let myself - dream through it. Sleep in and out of booking rooms. Sleep on stage. Snooze on the couch - and people would always - always be interested in me. Never push. Relax.
I guess it never really occurred to me - that there is a difference between a stage performer and a private performer. What is more important these days. You tell me.
P
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